My entire life, I was raised without the extension of religion. I was always told that I could make my own decisions concerning my ideals, my opinions and my morals. Thus far, I have lived without it. However, I believe that I have come to terms with the fact that there is indeed a God.
Though my God may not be one in the image of any specific religion, it would seem that tonight, I realized that I am not the one in control of my life. I feel that I should turn over control of my life to a Higher Power that can aid me on my journey through this hectic and wonderful life.
Tonight, I participated in a concert with the Gospel Choir, Praise Team, Concert Band and the Bluegrass Band. Though I began the evening with a cynical view that the night was a waste of time and that I was only participating for a grade and that it was a large inconvenience. However, with each song, I was 'uplifted' more and more.
Maybe this is just a phase, caused by overindulgence of praise and worship...but I would truly like to think that this is a fork in the road. A chance for me to change who I am, realize who I want to be, and come to terms with my beliefs. I intend to make the most of whatever this is, be it an overindulgence or a life-changing event, and being to research different religions and see if one of them is for me. Maybe I am destined to not have a structured religion but to have my own individual beliefs.I do not mean that I am going to flip to the other end of the scale and start having visions and preaching from dawn 'til dusk, but I do think that I will be evaluating my decisions on a grander scale.
This may also be a by-product of some of the recent tragedy in my own life. In the past year, I have gone through my own personal hell. My mother was out of work for almost a year, my grandfather passed away at age 89 (which I guess could be considered a long life, but it is never long enough when it is a loved one), and I dealt with an immediate family member (I will not reveal who due to the public nature of this forum) going into an alcoholic relapse. I love them more than anything in the world. I realize that they are sick and they are doing everything they can to get through it. They regularly attend Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings and work though the program well. This is reassuring, however, after finding out that I was lied to for over 6 months, makes me weary as to whether I can every truly trust them again. I want to, I really do; but trust is a thing that is not easily earned once it has been lost.
I believe wholeheartedly that I have many demons of my own to work through before I can deal with other people's problems. Once I realize how I have been changed in the past year, I can move on to how other people's decisions and lifestyles are affecting me.
One of the reasons I have made it this far already is due to my friends. I have so many supportive friends that I cannot begin to name them all. To those of them who read this, you know who you are and I cannot begin to thank you enough.
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