You know how there are days or weeks that just seem to happen and you forget to do something or return a call? My life has been like that for the past year. I am such a bad time manager and a procrastinator. It would seem like my priorities are in the right order and that I have my ducks in a row but lately, all I see is a sea of ducks with no order whatsoever.
I seem to be pushing people away with no rhyme or reason as to why. I have a problem. When something interests me or excites me, I focus all of my energy on that one thing and often at the expense of other things. Recently, I have somewhat alienated my aunt, my roommates, my sister, my parents, my best friends, anyone who seems to think I need to spend more time with them. For someone as social as me, this is somewhat surprising...I am also incredibly stubborn, as anyone who knows me can tell you. This is causing me problems too. Whenever someone says I should do something, I immediately do the opposite or drag my heels to do it.
The major focus of my life right now is my boyfriend and I have fallen into the trap, as I always do, of focusing on him and only him and it is costing me relationships and time.
My family is the most incredible thing I have ever seen. Despite all the heartache, troubles and tribulations we have been through, we always seem to come out on top. My mom handles anything that is or even resembles anything financial or business like. My dad takes care of our spacious house and cooks so many delicious meals. My sister, though I cannot do her justice on this blog, does more for me than she will ever know. She is like a rock that stands at my side, and while I beat on her with my emotions, she stands steady, listens and is always there with an answer or comforting shoulder to lean on. My friends and family deserve better of me than what I have been giving them.
I feel as though I have lost faith in a lot of things over the years. Some of my problems I believe is that I have lost faith in me. My boyfriend is someone who can regale stories of his love life for an hour and then only stop to catch his breath. Though I realize that this is no longer his life, and I have no doubts of that, I have the lowest self esteem of almost anyone I know. Sure, I can fake it and pretend to think I am incredibly awesome but I just don't see myself that way. I am overweight, overbearing, lazy and disrespectful. To say the least. I realize that I do have some redeeming qualities and my parents, my friends/roommates, my sister, and my boyfriend do a wonderful job reminding me of them but for 20 years I have thought that I wasn't good enough for anyone. To be honest, I am terrified that someone will come along and want my boyfriend. I know he is faithful and he would never cheat on me just as I would never cheat on him but I have this absurd fear that if I stop talking to him or if he can't talk to me whenever he wants, that he will just up and walk away to bigger and better things on the horizon. As I am writing this, I realize how absurd that is and that because of the person he is, he would never do that but as soon as I stop typing, the fear begins to creep in again and I want it to stop! I will not be controlled by fear!
Starting now, I am going to fix this. I am better than this. I am capable of maintaining more than one relationship and starting now, I am going to manage my time better, prioritize in the right way, find a balance, reach out and first and foremost, be a better me.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Friday, April 23, 2010
Faith in Everyday Life
As I have begun accepting "God" into my life, I have come to realize that everyday is a trial and a test of faith and will to go on. Each day can be met with one of two attitudes: "I can't do this, I need to go back to bed." or " I can do this! Today is going to be a great day!"
I feel as though, "waking up with God" gives me the opportunity to have faith that, "I can do this!"
I see now that, though the road ahead may be dark and stormy, I can only take one step at a time to cross through the forest of uncertainty.
In recent weeks, it has seemed like my world has been crumbling around me, steadily and unwavering, when I began the week, to my dismay, I had to find a third person to live with me off campus or I would lose the opportunity. Understandably so, seeing as the landlord has an obligation of mortgage as well. Following that fiasco, which may be coming to an end soon, I found out that a large sum of money that was sent to the school to pay for my tuition "slipped through the cracks" and I somehow ended up owing a small fortune to the University.
After a few phone calls, it was all straightened out; despite the fact it may have cost me an ulcer or two. Also, soon after that, we were able secure a third roommate for next year. Now, it may seem coincidental, but I would like to think that my faith partially helped. I won’t lie and say that there wasn’t a time when I felt hopeless and like nothing could be done, but with the proper motivation from my mom, my friends, and the helpful financial aid office staff, things were soon straightened out.
It would seem to me that there is only so long that you can let someone walk over you before you ask them to take off their cleats. It is said that the best method for dealing with someone who hurts or upsets you, is to “turn the other cheek”. However, what happens when you run out of cheeks. Love is a beautiful thing but there is only so much that someone will give to a situation before they just want to walk away. At what point is it alright to turn away and offer up your love to something else that will appreciate it…?
Don’t be afraid; just believe.—Mark 5:36
Thursday, April 8, 2010
A Revelation on Life
My entire life, I was raised without the extension of religion. I was always told that I could make my own decisions concerning my ideals, my opinions and my morals. Thus far, I have lived without it. However, I believe that I have come to terms with the fact that there is indeed a God.
Though my God may not be one in the image of any specific religion, it would seem that tonight, I realized that I am not the one in control of my life. I feel that I should turn over control of my life to a Higher Power that can aid me on my journey through this hectic and wonderful life.
Tonight, I participated in a concert with the Gospel Choir, Praise Team, Concert Band and the Bluegrass Band. Though I began the evening with a cynical view that the night was a waste of time and that I was only participating for a grade and that it was a large inconvenience. However, with each song, I was 'uplifted' more and more.
Maybe this is just a phase, caused by overindulgence of praise and worship...but I would truly like to think that this is a fork in the road. A chance for me to change who I am, realize who I want to be, and come to terms with my beliefs. I intend to make the most of whatever this is, be it an overindulgence or a life-changing event, and being to research different religions and see if one of them is for me. Maybe I am destined to not have a structured religion but to have my own individual beliefs.I do not mean that I am going to flip to the other end of the scale and start having visions and preaching from dawn 'til dusk, but I do think that I will be evaluating my decisions on a grander scale.
This may also be a by-product of some of the recent tragedy in my own life. In the past year, I have gone through my own personal hell. My mother was out of work for almost a year, my grandfather passed away at age 89 (which I guess could be considered a long life, but it is never long enough when it is a loved one), and I dealt with an immediate family member (I will not reveal who due to the public nature of this forum) going into an alcoholic relapse. I love them more than anything in the world. I realize that they are sick and they are doing everything they can to get through it. They regularly attend Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings and work though the program well. This is reassuring, however, after finding out that I was lied to for over 6 months, makes me weary as to whether I can every truly trust them again. I want to, I really do; but trust is a thing that is not easily earned once it has been lost.
I believe wholeheartedly that I have many demons of my own to work through before I can deal with other people's problems. Once I realize how I have been changed in the past year, I can move on to how other people's decisions and lifestyles are affecting me.
One of the reasons I have made it this far already is due to my friends. I have so many supportive friends that I cannot begin to name them all. To those of them who read this, you know who you are and I cannot begin to thank you enough.
Though my God may not be one in the image of any specific religion, it would seem that tonight, I realized that I am not the one in control of my life. I feel that I should turn over control of my life to a Higher Power that can aid me on my journey through this hectic and wonderful life.
Tonight, I participated in a concert with the Gospel Choir, Praise Team, Concert Band and the Bluegrass Band. Though I began the evening with a cynical view that the night was a waste of time and that I was only participating for a grade and that it was a large inconvenience. However, with each song, I was 'uplifted' more and more.
Maybe this is just a phase, caused by overindulgence of praise and worship...but I would truly like to think that this is a fork in the road. A chance for me to change who I am, realize who I want to be, and come to terms with my beliefs. I intend to make the most of whatever this is, be it an overindulgence or a life-changing event, and being to research different religions and see if one of them is for me. Maybe I am destined to not have a structured religion but to have my own individual beliefs.I do not mean that I am going to flip to the other end of the scale and start having visions and preaching from dawn 'til dusk, but I do think that I will be evaluating my decisions on a grander scale.
This may also be a by-product of some of the recent tragedy in my own life. In the past year, I have gone through my own personal hell. My mother was out of work for almost a year, my grandfather passed away at age 89 (which I guess could be considered a long life, but it is never long enough when it is a loved one), and I dealt with an immediate family member (I will not reveal who due to the public nature of this forum) going into an alcoholic relapse. I love them more than anything in the world. I realize that they are sick and they are doing everything they can to get through it. They regularly attend Alcoholics Anonymous (A.A.) meetings and work though the program well. This is reassuring, however, after finding out that I was lied to for over 6 months, makes me weary as to whether I can every truly trust them again. I want to, I really do; but trust is a thing that is not easily earned once it has been lost.
I believe wholeheartedly that I have many demons of my own to work through before I can deal with other people's problems. Once I realize how I have been changed in the past year, I can move on to how other people's decisions and lifestyles are affecting me.
One of the reasons I have made it this far already is due to my friends. I have so many supportive friends that I cannot begin to name them all. To those of them who read this, you know who you are and I cannot begin to thank you enough.
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